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Jokes.
Jan 2, 2005 2:21:50 GMT -5
Post by Empire Clan on Jan 2, 2005 2:21:50 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Politics[/glow]
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. " "Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people." "The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."
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Jokes.
Jan 2, 2005 14:52:57 GMT -5
Post by Kane on Jan 2, 2005 14:52:57 GMT -5
A man walks to his son's door and sees the little boy praying. He doesn't take much notice to the praying, but he listens to what the kid has to say. "god bless mommy, daddy, grandpa, and goodbye grandma" The man takes really no notice to this and goes to sleep. The next day he gets a phonecall and his grandmother has died. The next night he goes to the boy's room. "God bless mommy, dady, and goodbye grandpa" The man hopes that nothing happens but surely enough, the next day they get a call and his grandpa has died. That night he goes to the boys room. "God bless momy and goodbye dady" The man is so worried that he stays up all night and when he gets to work he gets a phonecall from his wife. "Whats wrong hunny?" He asks "The mailman just dropped dead on our laneway!"
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Jokes.
Jan 2, 2005 14:53:31 GMT -5
Post by Kane on Jan 2, 2005 14:53:31 GMT -5
Here is an old priest and he has been around for quite a long time. Well everyone in the town was confessing to adultry and the priest was getting really pissed off. Well one day he finally lost it and yelled out "If I hear anyone else confess to adultry I'll quit!" Well, because the town loved the man so much they made a special code. Anyone that "fell" had committed adultry. Well, the old man seemed quite happy with this. Well, the old man died about a year later, and the new preist came in and quickly went to the mayors office with great concern.
"You really need to get the roads fixed, everyone has been confessing to me that they have fallen!" Knowing that the people hadn't told the new priest about the code, the mayor started laughing, but before he could say anything the priest gave an accusing finger. "I don't know why you're laughing, your wife has fallen three times this week!"
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Jokes.
Jan 4, 2005 10:06:35 GMT -5
Post by Even on Jan 4, 2005 10:06:35 GMT -5
On a blistering hot summer day, two old farmers were walking down the main street in a small town. As they pass by a store one old farmer notices a great big dog ,who's licking his balls,the farmer turns to his buddy and say's "i sure wish i could do that" buddy see's the dog and tell's his friend with concern "i'd pet him 1st"
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Jokes.
Jan 5, 2005 22:26:42 GMT -5
Post by silverii on Jan 5, 2005 22:26:42 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Joke 2: Seeing God[/glow] <another one from my website firena > A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction ,and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured ,she might as well make the most of it. She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that car?" God Replied,"I didn't recognize you."
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Jan 11, 2005 17:33:20 GMT -5
Post by silverii on Jan 11, 2005 17:33:20 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom[/glow]
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be quiet while others are about to go.
1. Keep strokes to a minimum.
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Jokes.
Mar 4, 2005 6:42:15 GMT -5
Post by ayhsian on Mar 4, 2005 6:42:15 GMT -5
Subject: 16 THINGS TO DO IN A BATHROOM STALL
1. Stick yor palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that!!!
3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaksthe silience with bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh s***!! My glass eye!!"
6. Say "D***, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope into the toliet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Fill up a large flask with Mountian Dew. Squirt iterratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling,"Whoa! Easy boy!!"
10. Say," Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toliet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor.Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?
12. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
13. Say, "D***, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
14. Play a well known song on your butt cheeks over and over again.
15. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say,"Peek-a-boo!"
16. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing"Born Free"
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Jokes.
Mar 13, 2005 11:30:51 GMT -5
Post by Roddin on Mar 13, 2005 11:30:51 GMT -5
A very well dressed man walks into a bar with the most beautiful woman the bartender ever saw with him. The man told the bartender to set the whole bar up with a drink. Everyone in the bar cheered. When the bartender was done serving all the drinks a man that was a foot tall climbed out of the man's coat pocket and ran around the bar dumping everyones drinks over and then climbed back into his pocket. The bartender with shock in his voice said to the man what was that. The man said pay no mind to him, just wipe off the bar and serve them up again. The bartender did just that. After all drinks were served the foot tall man dumped them over again and climbed back into the man's pocket. The bartender now upset said i will not serve another drink until you tell me about the guy in your pocket. The man says awhile ago he came across a magic lamp and when he rubbed it a genie poped out and granted him 3 wishes. My 1st wish was to be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams and as you can see by my clothes and my ability to buy everyone a drink that has come true my 2nd wish was to be married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and as you can see by my wife that wish aslo came true. Now for the man in my pocket my 3rd wish was to have a 12" prick.
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Jokes.
Mar 21, 2005 16:49:47 GMT -5
Post by silverii on Mar 21, 2005 16:49:47 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]The bear and the rabbit[/glow]
<<If u think this is unappropriate, let me know and one of the moderator will take it off>>
There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes.The bear went first and he said,"I wish to be the only male bear in this forrest." And he got his wish. The rabbit said, "I want a motercycle helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear went up and said, "I wish to be the only male bear in the United States, and all the rest to be female." And he got his wish.
The rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle to go with that helmet." And he got his wish.
The bear said, "I wish I was the only male bear in the world, and all the rest were females." And he got his wish.
It was the rabbit's turn, and he said, "I wish that bear was gay."
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Jokes.
Mar 22, 2005 17:32:44 GMT -5
Post by Roddin on Mar 22, 2005 17:32:44 GMT -5
A man was walking down the beach when he came across a genie in a lamp. The genie said he would grant him 3 wishes with the condition that whatever he wished for his X-wife would get double. The man thought about this carefully for abit. He told the genie that he was ok with it. His 1st wish was to have 20 million dollars. The genie said "Done and now your x has 40 million dollars". For his 2nd wish the man wanted 20 acres of ocean front property. The genie said "Done and now your x has 40 acres of ocean front property". The man thought about his 3rd wish for awhile. He finally said " For my 3rb wish I want you to beat me half to death"
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Jokes.
Mar 25, 2005 11:55:17 GMT -5
Post by silverii on Mar 25, 2005 11:55:17 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Friendly Neighbors [/glow]
A blond was taking a shower when the doorbell rang. Her husband, in the bathroom downstairs, yells for her to get the door. She throws a towel on and runs down to open the door. It was their Chinese neighbor, Way Hung. He says to the blonde, "If you drop your towel, I will give you $500, so she drops her towel. Keeping his promise, Way Hung gives her the money he owes her and leaves. The blonde closes the door and goes back to the bathroom. Her husband asks her, "Who was that? The blonde replies, "Oh, that was our Chinese neighbor. I don't know what he wanted though. Her husband then asks, "Did he mention anything about the $500 he owes me?"
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Mar 31, 2005 21:24:33 GMT -5
Post by Empire Clan on Mar 31, 2005 21:24:33 GMT -5
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Mar 31, 2005 21:26:36 GMT -5
Post by Empire Clan on Mar 31, 2005 21:26:36 GMT -5
I found something that i thought was pretty funnny online that i find very true, its a clip, and the language is a little strong at one point so you might not wanna have kids in the room its called The End of The World, turn it up btw, u need sound. www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.phpSauder.
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Jokes.
Mar 31, 2005 21:27:28 GMT -5
Post by Empire Clan on Mar 31, 2005 21:27:28 GMT -5
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in and animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I coma one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi.'
MASMPM
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Jokes.
Mar 31, 2005 21:29:57 GMT -5
Post by Empire Clan on Mar 31, 2005 21:29:57 GMT -5
The meaining of life? Isn't it 42??
1. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
2. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
3. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
4. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
5. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
6. Is there another word for synonym?
7. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
8. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
9. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
10. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
11. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
12. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
13. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
14. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
15. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
16. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
17. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
18. How is it possible to have a civil war?
19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
20. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
21. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
22. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have "S" in it?
23. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
24. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
25. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Silverii.
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