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Jokes.
May 6, 2005 20:00:35 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on May 6, 2005 20:00:35 GMT -5
1. Birds of a feather flock together, and then crap on your car.
2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
10. He who hesitates is probably right.
11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
14. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
15. Don't believe everything you think.
16. Dejamoo: The feeling you've heard this bull before!
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Jokes.
May 6, 2005 20:04:49 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on May 6, 2005 20:04:49 GMT -5
A Son's Letter
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed, "Dad".
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
"Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice- even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.
Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.
Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, John
PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Jokes.
May 6, 2005 20:08:13 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on May 6, 2005 20:08:13 GMT -5
Ben invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful Ben's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between Ben and his roommate and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Ben and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Ben volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Allison and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Allison came to Ben and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. "You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Ben said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an E-Mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother,
"I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, Ben received a reply from his mother which read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Allison, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Allison. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love, Mom"
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Jokes.
Jun 8, 2005 1:13:39 GMT -5
Post by toreador on Jun 8, 2005 1:13:39 GMT -5
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Jokes.
Jun 12, 2005 3:26:16 GMT -5
Post by driveby on Jun 12, 2005 3:26:16 GMT -5
The maker never needs it. The buyer never uses it. The user never feels it. What is it?
A coffin. =D
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Jokes.
Jul 3, 2005 10:35:09 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Jul 3, 2005 10:35:09 GMT -5
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the tv remote because they refuse to walk to the tv and change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". d**n right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the d**n floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest d**n thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?
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Jokes.
Jul 3, 2005 10:37:14 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Jul 3, 2005 10:37:14 GMT -5
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor.
The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
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Jokes.
Jul 3, 2005 10:40:00 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Jul 3, 2005 10:40:00 GMT -5
Back After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"
"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in August and the second time is in January!"
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for all those ladys out there
Guest
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Jokes.
Jul 4, 2005 0:52:06 GMT -5
Post by for all those ladys out there on Jul 4, 2005 0:52:06 GMT -5
Female Comebacks!
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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Jokes.
Jul 17, 2005 22:44:00 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Jul 17, 2005 22:44:00 GMT -5
Contrary to popular opinion, duct tape IS NOT good for fixing everything!
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."
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Jokes.
Jul 17, 2005 22:46:45 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Jul 17, 2005 22:46:45 GMT -5
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
He wanted a truck and she wanted a fast little sports car so she could zip through traffic around town.
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
"Look!" she said, "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
He did just that.
For her birthday he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Nobody has seen or heard from him since.
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Jokes.
Aug 1, 2005 1:26:01 GMT -5
Post by olivebob on Aug 1, 2005 1:26:01 GMT -5
A boy asks his father what is the difference between realistically and potentially. So the father tells his son go ask ur mother your sister and ur brother if they would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1,000,000 dollars. So the boy says mom would u sleep with Brad pit for 1million dollars. the mom says sure it would buy alot of nice things for us and the house. Then the boy asks his sister if she would sleep with brad pit for 1million dollars. So she says hell ya brad Pitt is so hot. Then the boy asks his brother if he would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars. The brother say sh*t ya i could get all kinds of new stuff and by a new car. Then the boy goes 2 his father and says I'm pretty sure i know the difference between potentially and realistically. The father say oh ya what is the difference. Then the his son say potentially we are sitting on 3 million buck but realistically be are living with 2 sl*ts and a f*got.
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Jokes.
Aug 6, 2005 14:18:58 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Aug 6, 2005 14:18:58 GMT -5
The 85 Year Old Groom
85 AND LOVING IT!! At 85 years of age, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old. Because her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that on their wedding night, she and Morris are to have separate bedrooms. The newlywed is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed, and for the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough, the knock comes, the door opens, and there is her 85-year-old groom, ready for action.They unite as one. All goes well, whereupon Morris takes leave of Lou Anne, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door. It's Morris! And he's again ready for more action! Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents to further coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses Lou Anne, bids her a fond good night, and leaves.
Lou Anne is set to go to sleep again. However, after a few short minutes, there is another knock at her door, and there he is again. Morris, as fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for a bit more action. And again they enjoy one another.
As Morris is once again set to leave, the young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age, honey, I've been with guys less than a third your age who were only good once! You're a great lover, Morris."
Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already"
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Jokes.
Aug 6, 2005 14:33:53 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Aug 6, 2005 14:33:53 GMT -5
Problem Solving
An elderly lady phoned her telephone company to report that her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions when it did ring, her pet dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile elderly lady. He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned loudly and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire via a steel chain and collar. 2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose. 3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the phone rang. 4. After a couple of such jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate on himself and the ground. 5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring. Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
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Jokes.
Aug 6, 2005 14:35:38 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Aug 6, 2005 14:35:38 GMT -5
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: "I'm sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."
The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks just as we learned in class."
Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man.
They approached the old man and one of the students said to him: "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"
The old man said: "I'll tell you, but first you'll tell me what you think."
One of the students said: "I think it's Petry Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought... but you're wrong."
Then the other student said: "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
The old man said: "You thought.... but you're wrong."
So they asked him: "Well, what do you have?"
And the old man said: "I thought It was a fart........... but I was wrong."
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