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Jokes.
Mar 31, 2005 21:31:35 GMT -5
Post by Empire Clan on Mar 31, 2005 21:31:35 GMT -5
If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (Oh my God...!)
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig)
A ######roach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. ("Honey, I'm home. What the....")
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life ... quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmmm........)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump. (OK, so that would be a good thing....)
A cat's urine glows under a blacklight. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew...? Who cares! )
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about the pig?)
Ayshian.
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Jokes.
Mar 31, 2005 21:32:21 GMT -5
Post by Empire Clan on Mar 31, 2005 21:32:21 GMT -5
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says, Ok, old fellow, time to retire.
The old rooster says, You can't handle all these chickens . . . look at what it did to me! The young rooster replies, Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike.
The old rooster says, Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you.
The young rooster says, Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over! the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop.
The young rooster says, You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start.
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says, d**nit, third gay rooster I bought this week!
Ayshian.
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Jokes.
Apr 17, 2005 18:48:04 GMT -5
Post by chroni on Apr 17, 2005 18:48:04 GMT -5
Hole in one.
There was an American man that had an meeting in France. He met a woman and that night they had their own meeting. While they were where having sex, she was yelling, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX." He did not know what that meant, but assumed it to be some sort of praise. The next day, he went to play golf with the men he had the meeting with. One of them made a hole in one. He yelled, "TROU FAUX,TROU FAUX !"
They looked at him and said, "what do you mean wrong hole?"
~Chroni~
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Jokes.
Apr 19, 2005 12:42:44 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Apr 19, 2005 12:42:44 GMT -5
Real Police storys. Not really jokes but funny none the less. A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of change. A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. ;D A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window and flipped open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes. ;D
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Jokes.
Apr 19, 2005 12:46:49 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Apr 19, 2005 12:46:49 GMT -5
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down
Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign? Woman: Do not enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy. Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
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Jokes.
Apr 19, 2005 12:47:58 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Apr 19, 2005 12:47:58 GMT -5
The Talking Dog:
One day out in the Texas panhandle, a guy sees a sign in front of a house: Talking Dog for Sale.
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black Lab just sitting there "You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running."
"The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near Suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.
Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars."
The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"He's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
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Jokes.
Apr 19, 2005 12:58:31 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Apr 19, 2005 12:58:31 GMT -5
"Senior Bus Tour"
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.
After approximately 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
After the ninth time, the driver asks the little old lady why they do not eat the peanuts themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them.
"Why do you buy them then?", the driver asks, puzzled. Whereupon, the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them!"
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Jokes.
Apr 19, 2005 13:04:07 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Apr 19, 2005 13:04:07 GMT -5
1. A man was rushing through the lobby of a hotel to get to a meeting and accidentally elbowed a woman in the breast. He looked at her and said, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, then I am sure you will forgive me." To this she replied, "Sir, if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I am in room 221."
2. A businessman boards a flight and is seated next to a gorgeous woman. He notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book. It says that American Indians have the longest penises and Italian men are the best in bed. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He replied ,"Tonto Tortolini, nice to meet you."
3. One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
4. A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "Let's relive some old times." Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."
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Jokes.
Apr 21, 2005 8:27:02 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on Apr 21, 2005 8:27:02 GMT -5
The Male CarrotThe Female Carrot
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Jokes.
Apr 21, 2005 21:50:17 GMT -5
Post by DragonOfMany on Apr 21, 2005 21:50:17 GMT -5
there were two muffins sitting in a oven being baked and one muffin turns to the other and asks "whats cooking?" then the other muffin turns to the first muffin and says "HOLY S*IT A TALKING MUFFIN!"
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Jokes.
May 6, 2005 19:42:49 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on May 6, 2005 19:42:49 GMT -5
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years.
Defense! Attorney: "What happened next ?"
Little Old Woman: "Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, "Take me, young man, Take me!"
Defense Attorney: "Did he take you?"
Little Old Woman: "Hell, no. That's when he yelled, "April Fool!"..
...And that's when I shot the son of a b*tch!"
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Jokes.
May 6, 2005 19:45:47 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on May 6, 2005 19:45:47 GMT -5
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK, It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing a very short miniskirt. What does your wife look like?"
To which the first old guy says, sh*t Doesn't matter, --- let's look for yours."
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Jokes.
May 6, 2005 19:49:16 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on May 6, 2005 19:49:16 GMT -5
A useful tool roughly measuring 7 inches in length
Usually its found hung, dangling, but ready for instant action
At one end it has a clump of hairy things, whilst at the other end has a small hole.
Enjoyment of its functioning can be had by both sexes.
When used its inserted willing sometimes fast, sometimes slow into a warm fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust quickly in and drawn out, again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Somebody found listing in would most likely recognize the pulsing rhythmic sounds emanating from the well-lubricated movements.
When withdrawn, it leaves a juicy frothy, and stick white substance, some of which needs cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from its long glistening shaft.
After everythings done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emanating, its returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for another bit of action, maybe reaching its bristling climax a couple of times a day, but often much less.
A toothbrush! Now get your mind out of the gutter and do something useful!
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Jokes.
May 6, 2005 19:51:16 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on May 6, 2005 19:51:16 GMT -5
A married couple are driving along a highway doing 60mph, the wife behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks over at her and says, Honey, I know we've been married for 20 years, but I want a divorce.
The wife says nothing but slowly increases speed to 70 mph.
He then says, I dont' want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a better lover than you are.
Again the wife stays quiet but speeds up as her anger increases.
I want the house, he insists, pressing his luck. Again the wife speeds up, to eighty mph.
He says, I want the car, too, but she just drives faster and faster.
By now shoes up to ninety mph. All right, he says, I want the bank accounts, and all the credit cards, too.
The wife slowly starts to veer toward a bridge.
This makes him a bit nervous, so he says, Isn't there anything you want?
The wife says, No, I've got everything I need.
Oh, really, he says, so what have you got?
Right before they slam into the wall at a 100 mph, the wife smiles and says,
The airbag.
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Jokes.
May 6, 2005 19:54:07 GMT -5
Post by Ayshian on May 6, 2005 19:54:07 GMT -5
An Old farmer was selling his peaches door to door.
He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked would you like to buy some peaches?
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and ask are they as firm as this? He nodded his head and said yes and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking are they nice and pink like this? The farmer said yes and another tear came from the other eye.
Then lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked are they as fuzzy as this? He again said yes and broke down crying.
The lady said what in the world is wrong with you?Drying his eyes he said, the drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now I'm going get screwed out of my peaches.
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